A MONTH THAT PASSED BY// RANDOM THOUGHTS

 

Lately I feel less of a man. Less human. My thoughts process fast but these emotions intermingle and get me webbed. People talk to me and I open up. Not to fascinate them with my knowledge. Not to make them smile with a sick humor that would make eight out of ten people roll their eyes off in disgust. I just don’t want to be unkind. A narcissist, who shows off his uncultivated talents to make his presence noticeable.

Since my college started things changed in a blink of an eye. I used to be someone else. My basic nature still remains same yet everything around me had a drastic change. That one person with whom I had most of my conversations with was discarded from my life. I as being typical me, never approached people but received a lot of attention and texts from my college mates as I joined the place. Most of them are kind enough to accept me as who I am on the surface.

There were days when I had long and what seemed meaningful, conversation with some of them. On such days, I expressed my opinion on life, struggle, love, survival and all other bullshit that has no constant definition because of its subjectivity. I became more of who I was whilst talking and as a consequence my charm was gone.

The guy who seemed blessed with natural talents, had a few good knock-knock jokes was more vulnerable and sensitive than he pretended to be. Those people still talk to me and they’re very kind. It is just I have no idea what to say which spoils it all. My ability to perceives others died a long time ago. maybe It no longer works as I face immense difficulty in understanding others. But I’m thankful that the first two people I became friends with here are okay with my awkwardness. They are like ‘’AA” battery(inside joke), that recharged my faith in friendship again.

Still, what I say might project a version of me who is pessimistic. Of a person who maintains a bleak opinion on life but I have a brighter side too. From within me there's this faint dark light that illuminates. It gives me hope that one day, I’ll think relatively less and feel more human than I ever did. Not that I’m desperate to find someone to love me but neither do I expect my self-love to enlighten me with the ultimate truth of life.

I don’t expect people to read this. Hardly anyone will do that. I thought being courageous enough to face the pain would make me strong, but my ability to bare it drained with time. So, what once made me suicidal seems normal now. All I can do is to hope that it is all okay. That everyone is suffering as I procrastinate to encounter my anxiety by telling myself “It shall pass too”.

- RAWWN

21st OCTOBER 2021

9:11 P.M