Another journal entry maybe?!

 

Do we trust the decisions we make? How much faith do we have in our conscience or the gut feeling? I’ll get straight to the point. I have no clue as usual. There are so many patterns on which our lives depend. These patterns are part of our sub-conscious and so, the rest of the choices that we make emerge from our understanding of the world that is embedded within.

People evolve every day. A middle-grade friend I knew once, is a completely different person today. That person is no longer the version of them, I was acquainted with. Maybe the basic nature remains the same, but all the experience, memories, traumas, ups and downs etc. Reevaluates an individual’s thinking day by day. Changing their priorities with time.

 Earlier people had normal lives, limited social contact and lesser mental chatter. Even in the midst of adversity, most had strong ties to their loved ones. But now relationships seem so intricate. Even texting someone “HI” makes me overthink and trust me; for a past few years I’ve hardly texted someone first. No ego issues. I want to socialize too, but I have no clue how a conversation unfolds. I can hop in the middle of group conversations, but to chat with someone from the scratch- No madame! I do not consider thyself as a courageous lad who is worthy enough to engage in an arbitrary verbal discussion.

Cutting people off from your life is at times so inexplicable. Based on my experience, this has been both challenging and easy for me. Back in high school when I left some people that I thought of as my friends, I suffered from a weird emotional turmoil. They got over me hastily and I acted like a loner with no one to talk to. I admit that when I moved on, my ability to think and act rationally was greatly affected. On the other hand, recently, letting go of someone I was close with was way easier than I thought. Maybe, with the passage of time, our connection diluted until one day I had to stop our vague conversations to end it all and be strangers again.

And I don’t mean that one has to last forever to, in somebody’s life to be dear to them. I refer to the comfort, that instills with maturation in the understanding between two individuals. It liberates them to pour their hearts out without any fear of judgement. One gets to know more about the other person apart from what they pretend to be around others. To know what lies beneath their flesh and glory, is to know a part of them. A part they obscure from the entire world, but have the audacity to let their person have a glimpse of it. It makes them feel as if the other person lifts up a boulder of their shoulders, letting them witness the tranquility in each other’s presence.

It may sound fancy, but in such a connection, at times the people agree to disagree. They’ll gently correct the other person without considering them crafty for thinking or believing about something the way they do. Permitting their person to be authentic and being likewise by giving them the space they need.

Yes, in the past I’ve failed miserably to follow these things I romanticize and I’m damn sure that in future I’ll repeat the same mistakes again and again, probably unconsciously until the reality would blaze and melt into smoke and mirrors.

 But as long as I try to be the person, I want to share my vulnerable side with, I know that somehow, everything will make sense. Because some of us like to be alone until we stop craving for love and realize that to sustain life, it is a necessity not a desire, we can get rid of. And so, I seek the love that these poets have talked about for centuries because maybe bestowing love makes the wildest hearts experience the tender warmth of sensibility.

-Rawwn

10:32 P.M

6/11/21