another day// RANDOM THOUGHTS

 

After a long time, once again, I have the impression of being mentally ill. I was doing well yesterday, but today, there’s a sudden shift of mood. From a golden sunny day of chaotic rainfall. From Inspired to suicidal. I type this down and my chest gets heavier as I do so. There is a certain image of men that people are clanged to. They accepted that it is normal for them to cry, but if a man consistently feels like a burden to the people he lives with and talks to. It's possible that my mind is dithering to avoid responsibility, but why would I let it hurt me?

You’re supposed to be a good child to your parents. An academic scholar to your teachers. Somebody cool to your friends with whom they aren’t mortified to hang out with. A loyal companion who selflessly loves their partner and maybe a stranger to yourself.  

Once I proudly called myself a dancer. I used to download tutorials in 240p in my keypad phone. Imitating until I thought I learned a move. Danced in a drawing room until someone peeked and disturbed me. I used to live in an underdeveloped city back then. It had no malls and just one cinema hall. I grew up in dirt and dust. Walked through convulsed streets and slums. Played cricket in streets with kids from different family backgrounds. Travelled to school by bicycle and even visited a temple quite often. It would be unfair to say I had no problems there. Yes, I and my family had a few major ones, but as an individual I was free-spirited and happy.

I no longer dance as I used to do. I find it hard to maintain relationships. It feels as if I’m destined to stay unfit for any human interaction. And at times, I’m quite certain that my thoughts would drive me insane one day. // Rawwn